Reflections & Regrouping

When I started this blog a bit over a year ago, I fully intended on being in graduate school right now & living on $1100 a month. Life happened differently & instead I'm still very much enjoying my full-time job & still living in my hometown. However, the last two/three months have been stressful & off-kilter so I've appreciated some of the steps I've already taken to simplify. I've also been reflecting on regrouping in an effort to simplify all over again.

People & Things-
I have gotten rid of a lot of stuff in the last year in an effort to simplify, but still know that people can have a very strong connection to their things. During the last two months, my grandma has been in & out of several medical care facilities, but has now moved to a skilled nursing facility. I'm very grateful she is in a place where she can get the care she needs, but she has been separated from the things that normally surround her and bring back good memories for her. I know she is concerned about having these items accessible if she wants to see something or that the items will go to various family members as a remembrance token.

For me though, I remember people more through food than through their things. Grandma made wonderful gingerbread & an amazing potato casserole of some kind. I remember how nice & grandmotherly she was when we were baking brownies together & I burned myself when I tried to touch the pan. I remember how carefully she tried to plan birthday dinners so the special person got to eat their favorite meal. Even though there's a difference in how Grandma & I remember people, I hope that she can be comfortable in her new home and know that her things are being taken care of very well.

Showing Appreciation-
I've also tried to simplify my attitude by including more positivity, and I've realized how much other people contribute to my life. Genuinely smiling at someone and saying, "Thank you, I really appreciate it," really can make a difference in someone's day & spread a positive attitude around, especially if I am the one in need of a positive attitude! Showing appreciation also means taking a step outside my normal speeding-bullet-train of thought to pause and think of how I am NOT doing this on my own & how many people touch my life even in minor ways.

Community-
Although I don't remember if I've blogged about it before, I would be completely lost without my community. Through my various levels of community, each different part fulfills a completely separate need. Whether verbal processing, ideas, emotional & spiritual support or simply going out for a drink, I need all of these people in my life. These people aren't simply Facebook friends or ones who tolerate me for 20 minutes while they tap away on Blackberries. I feel so privileged to have the kind of true community that actually supports me during difficult times in my life.

And what to work on- Regrouping
With a crazy schedule, unexpected plan changes, no time & little creativity, I haven't been cooking or eating what I should. This almost worked for a few months until the stress and bad food combos resulted in a very uncomfortable bout with acid reflux. I decided I can either let my "out of control lack of schedule!" get the better of me, or I can lock down my time, create margin, & take care of what I need to get done to feel good.

I don't particularly like having a strictly defined weekly schedule, but I know I need to develop certain constraints to set some time boundaries in my life for the next few weeks. Stress takes a huge toll on my body, so I know I need self-discipline to restore the order.

Goals for November- Limit eating out to 4 times a week, eat 2-3 servings of fruit/veggies a day (yeah, I know it's lower than 5, maybe that'll be the Dec. goal, baby steps), hit the gym once a week, visit Grandma twice a week, do something random/fun at least once a week, blog more.

PS- The "flavor" of this blog might be varied over the next few months as I'm processing a whole new set of circumstances to simplify, but hey, this is life!

Gratitude

It's been a strange few weeks for me, but completely amazing at the same time. Whether chalked up to coincidence, fate or the will of God, the last few weeks have been pointing me in one consistent direction- I am entitled to nothing. There is nothing about me that deserves anything in particular in life.

This isn't coming from a personal crisis of self-loathing, a tanking of my self-esteem or false humility. Although it's a reversal of what modern culture is telling us ("you deserve a break today", "because you're worth it", "your way right away", ad nauseum), who we are and what we do cannot instantly make the universe owe us anything, whether possessions, experiences, opportunities, power, recognition, our own way, an extra cookie or even a close parking spot to the grocery store. And just because THEY got one doesn't mean I deserve one too.

And it's been amazing. I had no idea that the process of losing entitlement could be so personally freeing. Entitlement is merely a set of lies (yes, lies) we believe about ourselves & our future. For me, this shift is an attitude change that is happening slowly, but it's like dropping a ton of bricks one by one. Talk about simplification! This is probably the biggest attitude shift toward simple I've had since I started blogging.

Instead of banking on the future being perfect because, well um, I AM perfect, I can recognize that life happens. The rain falls on the good, the bad & the ugly. That doesn't mean I can't try to put up an umbrella, but I'm not in control and that's perfectly ok. For years, my focus has primarily been on the future through worrying, trying to plan, & trying to control situations. I've missed out on a lot of what's happening right now though. I've missed out on a lot of joy and peace too!

One of the first steps toward losing entitlement was majorly upping my attitude of gratitude. Not to go all happy-crazy or Pollyanna, but focusing on gratitude not only decreases overall negative attitudes, but it brings our attitude back to a realistic place of who we are & how much other people do for us.

It's very amusing, but I am enjoying being surprised by good things that happen.

• Fun new friends
• Excellent conversations with old friends
• Learning ultimate tennis
• Taking a new class through Parks & Rec
• My kickboxing ladies who keep on coming back for more torture
• A great Saturday lunch
• An amazing backup of friends and family
• Pita Chips
  

Worry

I'll be honest, life in August was less than a picnic both personally & professionally. The details are typical of a mid-twentysomething, and a friend once told me that the drama of a twentysomething is only interesting to other twentysomethings thus I'll spare the nitty-gritty.

My typical response to life's issues is to internalize & worry. Productive, huh?

This week, my Monday night discussion group was covering JOY. I realized worry & joy don't share space well, one has to win. So far in my life, worry typically wins. Further in the discussion the comment came up, "If we truly have the right perspective on life, all those other problems & details won't matter & worrying is obsolete."

My feathers got ruffled. My grandma is going through a bunch of health issues, & I'm suddenly supposed to want the "right perspective" in which her problems don't matter? How can someone make such a cold, unfeeling statement as that? Worrying is how I show I care!

Wait, what? "Worrying is how I show I care."

Kristen, you know that's 100% hokum. Besides, how could that ever possibly help the situation? Worrying isn't caring, it's just worrying.

Today while reading I ran across the word "compassion." Maybe that would be a decent replacement for worry in some situations. For other situations, I need to remind myself, "This is not my problem. Let it go & forget it." So for the next few weeks, I can hopefully trade in a few handfuls of headache medicine for joy & compassion instead. We'll see how it goes. Is it really possible to make worry obsolete?

And for the unrelated pic of the day- Quandary Peak from my hiking trip a few weeks ago. My dad & I hiked Quandary & Elbert. Quite the trip & lots of fun!

Well I Guess I Can Do Without- TV

November 2009- My duplex roommate & I decided to drop our extended basic cable to save $30 a month. The cable guy came out to put a "restraint" or something on our line. Our bill changed, our programming didn't. Yay!

June 2010- Our duplex neighbors moved out. When they did, our cable finally transitioned to just basic. How sad! Whatever will we do without What Not To Wear, Real Housewives, Project Runway, Little People Big World, Dirty Jobs & Mythbusters? We managed & ended up watching a lot of regular network reruns of Friends & Law & Order spin-offs.

August 1, 2010- I moved into a house owned by a friend of mine & was warned, "We don't have cable." There is also a large desk in the living room (temporarily) blocking the TV.

Two weeks into August (today)- Perusing my blogs, I see an article about limiting children's TV time. And then I realized- I have spent the last two weeks without watching TV & I haven't missed it at all. Ok, I guess I haven't been completely without. I've watched two DVD's at other places & watched some episodes of Big Bang Theory my parents had DVRed.

Previously, I probably watched the most TV while eating meals since I frequently eat dinner alone. In the last few weeks, I've spent most of my dinners reading or catching up on email. Two dinners were spent on Youtube watching clips from Whose Line Is It Anyway. And instead of spending my evenings watching TV, I've been walking, visiting my grandparents & hanging out with friends downtown.

While I'm not going to say my life has been completely revolutionized skipping TV, it is nice not even having it as an option. No more internal complaining, "There's nothing on! Why can't the networks make any good shows anymore? It's nothing but commercials!" and still just sitting fuzzy-eyed in front of it. I'm responsible for my own entertainment & that's not a bad thing. The no-TV lifestyle definitely isn't for everyone, but right now for me, it's working out quite well.

Simple Things to Simplify- The Tongue

Of all bodily organs, the tongue can have the most devastating and long-lasting effects. I'm sure anyone can immediately call to memory a time when someone hurt them with words, but equally as quickly a time when they also hurt someone. During the last week or so, the effects of the tongue have been on my mind, then surprise, surprise I hear about it again this morning. A guy once wrote, "We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check." (James 3:2)

Why should we be concerned? How people expresses themselves shows exactly what is going on inside them. Expressions are a reflection of a person's inner monologue. Even a well tuned filter can't catch everything that wants to come flying out, and with the popularity of Facebook, Twitter, blogs, and every other sort of cyber-social communication, we are continually expressing what's going on inside us. As long as I can remember my filter has been terrible, but regardless, I definitely don't want to be known as a person who hurts others with words. However, tweaking just the words won't cut it since they are simply a reflection of what's going on inside. The inner monologue has to change first. (Maybe this wasn't a good subtopic for "Simple Things to Simplify," but whatever.)

When thinking of bad expressions, we have zingers, put-downs, unnecessary & unhelpful criticisms, tirades, "bless her heart" comments, and Freudian slips to name a few. However, other aspects of speech might not be so obvious. I've been thinking a lot about these lately & recognizing where my inner monologue needs to change.

Complaining:
Unfortunately, one of the fastest ways to connect with other people is to mutually complain about something or someone. Misery loves company? Not really. What kind of decent relationship is based on negativity? Complaining is rooted in the inner issues of discontentment, entitlement & the idea that a person or situation is not living up to some certain standard, usually an unexpressed & rather ambiguous one.

My attempted first step- Don't complain about anything I could have done something to fix. Don't disguise complaining as "just stating the facts."

Disclaimers:
"Sorry about the mess, no time to clean." "I didn't have time to make it nice." "Just trying a new recipe." "She's just that way, don't take it personally." I'm guessing you get the idea. Disclaimers can come from at least two roots:

1. False Humility. By disclaiming a situation we are in control of that is actually perfectly fine, we intentionally invite responding comments of "Oh, it's absolutely lovely! Besides, you are quite talented, smart, beautiful, & you can make a perfect souffle!" False humility is a cross between a white lie and manipulation, neither of which are high quality attributes. My attempted first step- Just stop.
   
2. Self-Consciousness. We recognize a situation we are in control of is not perfect and feel that if someone else notices this by themselves, we will be judged and it will be blatantly evident that we ourselves are likewise not perfect. Our instinct is to protect our pride and offer a disclaimer that brings public attention to the fact that yes, we do know something isn't perfect. AACK! It's just not perfect, OK?? Don't judge me! My attempted first step- Strive for excellence, but if something isn't perfect, let it go this once. It'll be ok. Do this again and again until the tunnel vision of perfectionism begins to crack & break away.

Are we pack rats of negative & insecure thoughts? Dump 'em. Free the space for happy thoughts & happy words.

Simple Things to Simplify- Clothing

I'd like to welcome my sister as my first guest blogger! She lives in Texas with her husband and their 10 month old daughter.

Modesty as Wardrobe Uncomplication- by Diana

I’m a modest person. From a young age, I’ve been told that modesty is important. It’s somewhat of an abstract concept as a child - the why’s of modesty are not quite clear, it’s more of being told the “right” way to dress and the “wrong” way to dress. As you get older, you’re told that guys are basically sex-crazed lunatics, and you’d better cover up to avoid being attacked. Or if you show a little too much (wherever that abstract line is), you are personally and solely responsible for the moral demise of some guy’s thought life.

So I dressed modestly as a safety measure, or I was guilted into it for fear of sending a wholesome young man into a downward spiral of lust and peril. And what were my guidelines of modest dress, you might ask. Well, you have to wear shorts that cover 100% of your butt, you shouldn’t wear skirts that provide a view if you open your legs a few inches, bikinis are questionable, you shouldn’t show too much cleavage, and pants with “Juicy” written on the butt are definitely out.

I’m feeling pretty good about myself. No one has confused me for a prostitute, and I’m definitely more modest than some people (when in doubt, always compare yourselves to others for self-validation).

But while those reasons for modesty are valid at a foundational level, I’ve come to see the value of staying covered for my own reasons. We’ve been fans of the Duggar family (17, 18, 19 ... Kids and Counting on TLC) for a few years and noticed their family dress code of coverage from knees to collarbones. I also recently read “A Return to Modesty” by Wendy Shalit, a young Jewish author comparing social mores and observations between her more liberal friends and Orthodox Jewish acquaintances. I’ve decided modesty is more than sexual restraint and following the rules, it’s wardrobe uncomplication.

Let’s think about tank tops and bra straps. I live in Texas, it’s very hot; I wear a lot of tank tops. But I find myself in a day-long battle with those straps that peek out under the shirt, even when a tank top has wide straps you think will cover. Just when I think I’ve adjusted and re-adjusted and tucked and pushed enough, those pesky bra straps come sliding out again. Is this a big deal? Maybe not. Do lots of other people have their bra straps hanging out? Yes. But I’ll remind you that a bra is still purchased in the underwear department and therefore does not need to be seen by the general population.

What if I gave up my perceived need for tank tops and simply wore shirts that covered my “unmentionables”? Uncomplication. I could go through the day with no concern whether the color of my bra would be revealed to everyone by two skinny straps sneaking down my shoulders.

Now let’s think about necklines. I have a baby, so there are little hands pulling at everything grabbable. Having a baby also means lots of bending over, these things are not good for most necklines. Even shirts I considered modest are now a liability as I’m bending and little hands are pulling down. On an episode of the Duggars, where there are record numbers of little hands, I noticed the Duggar girls have freedom. No worries of bending or being exposed by grabby babies. Uncomplication. When you wear shirts that you trust to keep you covered, you can go through your day without a quick hand to the neckline.

So how about low-rise jeans - and I’m not just talking about the ones you makes faces at where the zipper is only an inch long. It seems like anything lower than an old-school “mom jean” leaves you in a compromising position any time you want to take a seated position. You’re pulling down your shirt, pulling up your jeans, sitting five different ways to avoid announcing to the room that you’ve got your orange flowered panties on today. Wearing skirts (of an appropriate length) solves this problem.

If I chose clothes that eliminated adjusting, fidgeting, pulling up, yanking down and re-arranging, I could go through my normal day and focus on my day. Not on what was sliding or peeking where. Modesty as uncomplication benefits ME.

Other wardrobe uncomplications:

• keep only items that fit
• no question whether something will work or not, limits trying on time
• no adjustments - belt, pins, etc
• no stress - if I breathe too deeply my button may pop off
• don’t buy strange items just because they’re really cheap on clearance
• just taking up space in your closet, waiting for the “right time” to wear it (because you have convinced yourself there will be a right time)
• for the price of several cheap novelty items, you could have gotten a solid basic piece which could be worn weekly
• know your wardrobe
• when you’re out shopping, you’ll know if you have items that will “go” with a new item
• you’ll avoid accidentally purchasing something you already have - “oh wait, I forgot I already have two black t-shirts.”

Simple Things to Simplify- Airport Security

I could spend several paragraphs whining about the annoyance that is airport security, but I'm sure you've experienced it so I won't waste time. Here are a few suggestions to simplify the process.

To simplify the emotions:

• Give yourself plenty of time, even if you just hurry up & wait
  
• Be positive
• Be patient
• Smile even if you don't feel like it
  

To simplify the process:

Tips on what to wear-

• Pants that don't require a belt
• Slip-on shoes

Tips to be speedy-

• If in doubt about items & carry-on eligibility, check the TSA website while packing
  
• Keep your boarding pass & ID handy
  
• Get yourself ready before you get in line & while standing in line
  
• For example, if you have a belt or pocket items, place them in your carry-on before you get in line
• More examples: unlace shoes, put jackets in your carry-on, and remove large pieces of metal jewelry
  
• Don't even try to get a beverage through. The TSA doesn't care about your hydration. (I carry an empty bottle & refill it once I'm through security. I care about hydration.)

Be prepared, don't be "that guy."